Today I found out a friend of mine has passed away, she wasn't young but it was certainly before her time. I suppose writing this is a way to release my emotions.
She'd been ill for some time but I suppose that the whole mortality thing never really crossed my mind where she was concerned. She was always just around in her carefree way of doing things, she never complained or made a big thing of being ill but we could all see her weakening as time went on. But because she never made anything of it and just took it in her stride we all thought she would live forever.
In some ways we all see ourselves as being immortal, personally I haven't made any plans for the future, what will come will come is my attitude, life is there to be lived not to worry about what is around each corner. We seem to think modern medicine holds all the answers and that we will live forever. But then you get to a certain age, and your friends and family start being taken ill or dying and at this stage your own mortality stares you back in the face.
I suppose my life has been slightly different in that respect, I lost my best friend and mentor at the age of 19, he took his own life. That put a certain perspective on life for me. Those immortal heady days in my late teens/early 20's were tinged with a healthy respect for my own mortality. I was the protective one in my little group of outcasts and no matter the situation I was the one that looked out for and looked after my brethren. Oh I enjoyed my time out partying and anyone that knew me then would tell you how wild and out of control I could be, admittedly after he died I went off the rails in a big way and could easily have been a victim if circumstance, and certainly had my moments where suicide was a viable option going through my mind, but I always thought back to how I felt when Denise approached me to tell me what happened, the empty, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling that I'd overlooked something he had said, maybe I could have prevented it.
But then would I be the same person now if he'd have been stopped, if I had stopped him, as he did the deed barely 200 yards from my home and I suppose that is the thing that dwells upon my mind so much, was he coming to see me that evening? Could I have stopped him from doing something that I am sure he regretted? Why did he do it? That is a key question that I will never know the answer to, his passing away sent me down a road that changed me as a person and made me as a man.
I remember going into sixth form the following day, feeling empty inside and realising that I would need to tell my peers, even though Alex had quit sixth form about 3 months before. I recall almost breaking down whilst trying to tell my form tutor and the look of horror on her face at the realisation of what I was saying, and I recall how she asked me if I wanted to get her to tell everyone. I thought no, this is my time to step up, be an adult and tell them what had happened, and this I did, I called for silence and choking on my words told them what had happened the previous night at which point they went back to their mundane conversations pretty much ignoring what I had said.
His death and the reaction at sixth form sent me off the rails and I partied hard, and threw myself into ways to forget what had happened I suppose. I dropped out and went around the country thinking drink would be the optimum way to forget, but drugs and women became a part of my life as well, and I feared getting close to someone, fearing what may happen again. Then one day I sort of woke up from the drunken, drug fuelled craze I had been in for about 2 years of my life and I thought 'grab life by the balls and do what you want to do, fuck what everyone else thinks!'
The reality is that life needs to be lived to its fullest, there are many naysayers out there that will say you can't do this or that, they key is to say sod them, go your own way in life, you have once chance to get this life right, take the risk. Depending on your viewpoint you may have an immortal soul, or you may be reborn/reincarnated, no one really knows even though they tell you they know and that there is a place in heaven for you. My personal view, well that is literally my own, and it stays that way. I wont force my view points onto others. it would be unfair of me to do so. But I will say this, life it too short, too many people are willing to follow the river that is the human race, others are pebbles, fighting against the current and then there are the few that are rocks that change the flow of lives around them.
I personally realise I am not immortal and one day I will pass away, I personally wonder if there will be anyone at my own funeral and those that do turn up I wonder what they will say and what sort of mark I have made on this mortal coil. The one thing I hope is that they realised I tried my best and I was always there for anyone that needed my help, which randomly seems to have been the case with a couple of people in my life recently (more randomly they are both people I have known a matter of days) but I have tried my best to be there for them and to help them through trying times.
And finally I move back to my friend who lost her battle against the 'C' word, she brought light into others lives and fought to the end sharing her love of life and passion for living with all around her, there can not be a better epitaph for ones life than that. All of us that know her will never forget her and how even at the end she was still in great humour and shared this with all that met her. She will be greatly missed.
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