Depression as a way of life

I suffer from depression. There that was easily said, but living with depression is another thing completely different. I don't suffer from S.A.D. (Which I personally think is a fallacy, everyone gets down when the weather turns or as the seasons change). I don't have any warnings as to when it is going to strike. My mind just goes into overdrive and I become very withdrawn from the world, I hide away in my house more than likely in bed, trying to come to terms with what is going on in my life and why I feel this way.

This can last from a few minutes to a few months, I attempted the tried and tested route of seeing the doctor, a counsellor and then the infamous antidepressants (which if anything made me worse). But now just try to fight my way through through these episodes as best I can. I suppose living on my own makes things worse, as I have no one to confide in, and no one on an emotional level to help me through these dark thoughts. Not that I've ever been suicidal with these thoughts but they have pushed me in directions that I would never imagine going normally. The temptation is sometimes just to give up and run away, but the realisation comes to me that I can't run away from myself. 

These feelings are always with me. I can't escape them and nothing can really help me when I get these low points, some find it easier to talk to someone about their problems, but my problems are of a more esoteric nature, there is no reason for my getting depressed it just happens randomly and normally a simple thing such as a hug from someone I care about can be enough for the negative thoughts to disapate. But other times I become so withdrawn into myself the only way to come back is  a long drawn out process mainly debating with myself over what the problems are that are effecting me (admittedly small things that are normally blown all out of proportion by my depression, but it gives me something to use against it, i suppose a lever would be the best analogy, something to blame it on thus I find an escape from the feelings even though I know deep down my petty problems have nothng to do with it).

In the past I have tried other ways of trying to pull myself out of the hole that I have been in, drink and drugs, I've tried and both have made me worse in the end. Even my friends from those times said even though I was depressed I was always the life and soul of the party (acting has its benefits ;-)). But in all honesty I have always thought that I do not want to push my depression on other people. It is a very personal mental disease that is personal to me. It would be unfair of me to push it onto other people around me. I alone must live with this disease and I must find my own way to live with it as there is no way it will ever be cured. 

How do I cope I hear you ask? Well there are many different ways I cope with it, some times I throw myself into work, whether that be the work I do for a living or writing a short script, just pouring my heart out onto the page. Other times I sit and paint war gaming models just because the focus required overtakes the thoughts going through my head. And other times, well other times I sit here and pour my heart out on paper to whoever may come across this in the future, and maybe just maybe it will help them through the same feelings as plague my own thoughts at times such as this.