The futility of love

In life you tend to control most of your own path, nothing is ever laid out for you, you have to make of it what you can. There is though the one thing that you have no control over and that is love, or an emotional connection to someone else.

I admittedly am a passionate man, I have been known to fall in love quite easily and then take it exceptionally hard when everything goes 'tits up'. 

I've fallen in what I call true love twice in my life now, both times it has been reciprocated and both times it had broken my heart when the split has taken place. I've also been in lust and certainly know what the difference is.

Recently I met someone new, someone I seem to have a connection with (I'm still trying to work out what the connection is but have no idea yet). I want to spend time with her, want to talk to her and want to he held by her. But am I in love? That is the $64,000 question, how can I define love, for me each time it has been different. Maybe a feeling that a part of me is missing when they are not around, a feeling that I can't wait to have them in my arms again.

At the moment I admit I miss her but I am trying to take things slowly so as to not repeat the mistakes I have made before but at present i am still trying to work out what i feel. But I am also very wary of throwing myself into a relationship that could end within a year if she decides to return to Australia. 

As I said in the title love is a futile thing, most people are happy to put up with their lot in life and love, but I, I have decided that I'm not taking second best anymore, so this time I will wait and see what life has to hold and maybe fall in love again.

I see my friends and family that are happy with their lot in love and in all honesty there is probably some pangs of jealousy there seeing how happy they are with their partners and family (I think I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit this). But it's rare for me to meet someone that I have a connection with, what that connection is only time will tell. The only other thing is that will she reciprocate my, as yet very tentative feelings, now that is a hard question as she is very hard to read in that respect, and asking her outright would (other than embarrassing me) mean that I admit that there is more between us than I want to admit to at present, and as I have previously said I'm not sure what I feel. But then again is she willing to accept me for all of my little foibles and eccentricities, will she be willing to accept the bad with the good and likewise will I be able to accept her for who she is.

Emotionally I believe I'm quite stable but with the 'L' word all bets are off. It's the one time I feel I lose control of myself, of my sanity, of my control of my own existence. The final questions I pose to myself has to be do I want to put myself through the possible pain and heartache again? And is it worth it? Will I ever meet someone else that I feel I can talk to on an intellectual, as well as an emotional level... well who knows but for me they always feel very far and exceptionally few between. But one never knows what is around the corner if one is willing to take the risk. And at present I seem to be willing to take the risks talking to random strangers, (how randomly i will explain another time) but am still wary of losing myself again in a possibly unobtainable goal of true love.