Depression as a way of life

I suffer from depression. There that was easily said, but living with depression is another thing completely different. I don't suffer from S.A.D. (Which I personally think is a fallacy, everyone gets down when the weather turns or as the seasons change). I don't have any warnings as to when it is going to strike. My mind just goes into overdrive and I become very withdrawn from the world, I hide away in my house more than likely in bed, trying to come to terms with what is going on in my life and why I feel this way.

This can last from a few minutes to a few months, I attempted the tried and tested route of seeing the doctor, a counsellor and then the infamous antidepressants (which if anything made me worse). But now just try to fight my way through through these episodes as best I can. I suppose living on my own makes things worse, as I have no one to confide in, and no one on an emotional level to help me through these dark thoughts. Not that I've ever been suicidal with these thoughts but they have pushed me in directions that I would never imagine going normally. The temptation is sometimes just to give up and run away, but the realisation comes to me that I can't run away from myself. 

These feelings are always with me. I can't escape them and nothing can really help me when I get these low points, some find it easier to talk to someone about their problems, but my problems are of a more esoteric nature, there is no reason for my getting depressed it just happens randomly and normally a simple thing such as a hug from someone I care about can be enough for the negative thoughts to disapate. But other times I become so withdrawn into myself the only way to come back is  a long drawn out process mainly debating with myself over what the problems are that are effecting me (admittedly small things that are normally blown all out of proportion by my depression, but it gives me something to use against it, i suppose a lever would be the best analogy, something to blame it on thus I find an escape from the feelings even though I know deep down my petty problems have nothng to do with it).

In the past I have tried other ways of trying to pull myself out of the hole that I have been in, drink and drugs, I've tried and both have made me worse in the end. Even my friends from those times said even though I was depressed I was always the life and soul of the party (acting has its benefits ;-)). But in all honesty I have always thought that I do not want to push my depression on other people. It is a very personal mental disease that is personal to me. It would be unfair of me to push it onto other people around me. I alone must live with this disease and I must find my own way to live with it as there is no way it will ever be cured. 

How do I cope I hear you ask? Well there are many different ways I cope with it, some times I throw myself into work, whether that be the work I do for a living or writing a short script, just pouring my heart out onto the page. Other times I sit and paint war gaming models just because the focus required overtakes the thoughts going through my head. And other times, well other times I sit here and pour my heart out on paper to whoever may come across this in the future, and maybe just maybe it will help them through the same feelings as plague my own thoughts at times such as this.

The futility of love

In life you tend to control most of your own path, nothing is ever laid out for you, you have to make of it what you can. There is though the one thing that you have no control over and that is love, or an emotional connection to someone else.

I admittedly am a passionate man, I have been known to fall in love quite easily and then take it exceptionally hard when everything goes 'tits up'. 

I've fallen in what I call true love twice in my life now, both times it has been reciprocated and both times it had broken my heart when the split has taken place. I've also been in lust and certainly know what the difference is.

Recently I met someone new, someone I seem to have a connection with (I'm still trying to work out what the connection is but have no idea yet). I want to spend time with her, want to talk to her and want to he held by her. But am I in love? That is the $64,000 question, how can I define love, for me each time it has been different. Maybe a feeling that a part of me is missing when they are not around, a feeling that I can't wait to have them in my arms again.

At the moment I admit I miss her but I am trying to take things slowly so as to not repeat the mistakes I have made before but at present i am still trying to work out what i feel. But I am also very wary of throwing myself into a relationship that could end within a year if she decides to return to Australia. 

As I said in the title love is a futile thing, most people are happy to put up with their lot in life and love, but I, I have decided that I'm not taking second best anymore, so this time I will wait and see what life has to hold and maybe fall in love again.

I see my friends and family that are happy with their lot in love and in all honesty there is probably some pangs of jealousy there seeing how happy they are with their partners and family (I think I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit this). But it's rare for me to meet someone that I have a connection with, what that connection is only time will tell. The only other thing is that will she reciprocate my, as yet very tentative feelings, now that is a hard question as she is very hard to read in that respect, and asking her outright would (other than embarrassing me) mean that I admit that there is more between us than I want to admit to at present, and as I have previously said I'm not sure what I feel. But then again is she willing to accept me for all of my little foibles and eccentricities, will she be willing to accept the bad with the good and likewise will I be able to accept her for who she is.

Emotionally I believe I'm quite stable but with the 'L' word all bets are off. It's the one time I feel I lose control of myself, of my sanity, of my control of my own existence. The final questions I pose to myself has to be do I want to put myself through the possible pain and heartache again? And is it worth it? Will I ever meet someone else that I feel I can talk to on an intellectual, as well as an emotional level... well who knows but for me they always feel very far and exceptionally few between. But one never knows what is around the corner if one is willing to take the risk. And at present I seem to be willing to take the risks talking to random strangers, (how randomly i will explain another time) but am still wary of losing myself again in a possibly unobtainable goal of true love.